Genie Smeany

“What do you mean I can have three wishes with provisos?” I quizzically ask the turquoise, all-powerful genie floating in front of me.
“Well, you can have any three wishes that you desire…as long as they’re not too hard to fulfil” came a yawning reply from the mystical being.
“Too hard?…But you’re a genie, one of the most feared and powerful creatures in the known universe! You can literally do anything you like!”
“This is true, but some wishes people come up with are just ridiculously tricky, I had one person ask me for the sunken treasures of Atlantis! Why not just ask for lots of money! It took me months to research where that bloody place was, and it only had 3 gold coins left there anyway! Then he got mad because I took so long to complete the wish and that there was only three coins left, then he tried to return the wish…it all got very complicated” exasperated the genie.
“So, what are the rules then?” I impatiently ask, this conversation had already been going on far too long as it is; the genie came out of its lamp after I rubbed it and wanted a detailed update on what has happened in the world since its last visit to this realm…that was 300 years ago! Bearing in mind that I just crossed a desert, fought off many beastly animals and humans, almost died 16 times, and got shot to get this blooming magical lamp, I wasn’t really in the mood to give a three-hour history lesson.
“I think it’s probably just best if you wish for something and I’ll say yes or no, the rules are too copious to go through” genie said pulling out a humongous book from thin air which had the word ‘rules’ scrawled on the binder.
“OK, fine…umm, I wish to be rich” was my first wish, not very original but a good positive start I felt. With a wave of its hands and a poof of smoke, the genie smiled at me,
“Your first wish is granted; your name is now Rich”.
“What?! No, I didn’t want to be called Rich you muppet! I wanted to have lots of money! Rich as in money!” I spat.
“Well you need to be clearer with your wishes me thinks, Rich” the genie said sarcastically.
“No way, I want my wish back. That was not a wish” I confidently put my foot down…but that confidence withered away swiftly as I saw the genies face transform into some demonic being while it grew rapidly in size, towering above me as dark thunderous clouds swirled around its head,
“You want your wish back! YOU WANT YOUR WISH BACK!” It boomed at me.
“Ummm…no, I’d say that first one was a wish actually, now that I think about it properly. Just two left by my count” I quiver.
“Great then” it said as it returned back to its friendlier colourful human sized form, just as quickly as it had transformed into the monster, “What is your second wish then master?”.
“…OK…well, I wish to be wealthy and have lots of money” I say sheepishly.
“How wealthy?” Came the reply.
“…What do you mean, I just want to be wealthy” I say as politely as I can, I didn’t want Mr Genie to turn into Mr Hyde again.
“Bill gates wealthy or scratch card winner wealthy?” the genie proudly stated making sure to insert the information it got from my history class I gave earlier, he was very keen to know all about this Bill Gates person.
“Umm, Bill Gates wealthy I suppose”.
Genie closed his eyes and they flickered a bit before he replied, “Nope, sorry, can’t do that, too hard. Do you know how rich he is, Rich? Where would I get that kind of money?”
“Number 1, you gave me those choices so I picked one. Number 2, my name is not Rich!” I state factually.
“Technically you are correct, it’s Richard on all the paper work, Rich is just a shortened version of it…but it is really Rich now, unless you wish for a change of name again” it said smugly.
I grit my teeth, “OK, I wish for a billion pounds”,
“Too much”
“A million?” I haggle,
“Keep going” the genie said making a ‘lower’ gesture with his hands.
“A hundred thousand?” I say with wide eyes; this genie is abysmal if he cannot do a hundred thousand.
“Still too high”
“Oh come on! This is silly, can you even do a hundred pounds?” I sarcastically ask.
“Sold!” Genie waves his hands again and poof, a hundred pounds appear in my hand. I give him evils, but control myself because I know this thing could disintegrate me into a trillion particles if it so wanted.
“Thank you” I hiss through gritted teeth.
“No problem, what’s the last wish then Rich me Old mucker?”
“I wish for…I wish for…I WISH FOR A SANDWICH AND THEN FOR YOU TO BUGGER OFF!” I crack and shout at it!
“Oooooo, touchy! I hate to tell you but that was two wishes, you only have one left” it said smirking.
“BUGGER OFF THEN, I WISH FOR YOU TO BUGGER OFF!” Poof, it was gone, just like that. Bloody genies, all-powerful beings my backside! Genie Smeany!

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