The Job Interview

“Hi there, please take a seat!” the towering man booms at me as he lunges forwards and grabs my hand, shaking it vigorously. I reply with a juddering voice as my whole body is still feeling the tremors from that ridiculous hand shake,
“Hi, I am…”
“Rick, right, like the cartoon show Rick and Morty! I love that show” he said interrupting me with such confidence, misguided confidence but confidence none the less.
“…Nick, its Nick actually, not Rick” I politely correct him.
“Ah Nick, of course it is. I knew that, I knew that. So, Nick, tell me a bit about yourself? Why do you feel that you would be perfect for this job” he said with absolutely no embarrassment in his voice at all by saying my name wrong.
“Well, I am in my final year at university studying aeronautical engineering…”
“*YAWN*, sorry, please continue… but say less nerdy things which will make me go sleepy bye bye” my enthralled interviewer states.
“…Yes….umm OK, I would like to get some money in the summer, and I’ve always liked food, so what better than to rad out in a food chain shop” I say replacing adult words with children ones, while thinking to myself ‘how on earth has this guy become a manager?!’.
“Yes, that’s a good tagline, ‘I like food’! Pure genius my friend, pure goddamn genius. You, my intelligent compadre, ARE HIRED!” he says with a ‘hell yeah’ face while leaning in for a high-five. I reluctantly lean forwards and tap his hand with my palm, I am still struggling to determine whether this is a test or whether this man really is this…unique.
“So, is there anything else you would like to know about me?” I ask hoping he says no so I don’t have to give any more silly responses.
“Like what?” comes his smiling reply, “I’ve already hired you”.
“Oh, OK, cool, just thought you’d maybe want to know about my past jobs and qualific…you don’t want to know all this rubbish though” I interrupt myself as I notice his eyes glassing over.
“Not at all you little genius. Oh actually, there is one question, where is your Morty, Rick?” he states looking very pleased with himself at his intelligent quip.
“…my names Nick remember, the whole Rick and Morty thing doesn’t apply to my name” I correct him once more.
“Oh yeah…I know, I know. So when can you start?” he says in such a way to suggest that he knew…he didn’t know.
“Umm, I can start tomorrow if you like?”
“Greatilicious! I will see you tomorrow then dudemeister” he said standing up abruptly which startled me a bit.
“Do I not need to sign anything? Before I start to work? What about health and safety” I quizzically ask.
“Nah, just give me your bank details tomorrow so as I can pay you, and with regards to health and safety, just don’t put your hands in hot oil…or your face for that matter” he said that last bit chuckling to himself, I think he thought it was a joke.
“OK. Well, it was lovely meeting you, it was an experience I will never forget” I say going in to shake his hand again, fully prepared for the vicious vibrating hand clasp. I say my goodbyes and walk out the store, only fully decided on one thing: I am definitely not going in that place ever again, let alone work in there.

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