The Mechanics

EXT. OUTSIDE PAUL’S HOUSE – DAY

PAUL AND GARY ARE STOOD IN FRONT OF THE OPEN BONNET OF PAUL’S CAR. THEY ARE TRYING TO DETERMINE WHAT’S WRONG WITH IT.

GARY
I have no idea mate, absolutely not a scooby doo. What did you say it was doing again?

PAUL
Well, it sort of makes a ‘pfurrfing’ noise when I turn on the ignition. Followed by a few pops and squeaks.

GARY
(sucking in through his teeth) A few pops ay, sounds like it’s going to be expensive.

PAUL
I haven’t finished yet mate, that’s not the worst bit, then the smell comes!

GARY
The smell?

PAUL
The smell is horrific, oh its bad! Smells a bit like wet dog mixed with my misses cooking!

BOTH LAUGH BUT STOP ABRUPTLY AS THEY HEAR A NOISE IN THE GARDEN.

PAUL
Is that you love?…

NO REPLY.

GARY
Blimey that was close, if your wife heard you laughing at that she would have murdered you.

PAUL
You were laughing as well, I would have taken you down with me.

GARY
I would have gone down fighting. Anyway, it couldn’t have smelt that bad surely?

PAUL
Well, next time it happens I’ll bottle some, just for you. So, what do you think then?

BOTH LEAN IN OVER THE CARS ENGINE, GARY TAPS THE PLASTIC ENGINE COVER.

GARY
That sounds OK.

PAUL
Does it?

GARY
…yeah, it didn’t echo so that means its fine. Have you checked the lambda sensor?

PAUL
Don’t know, what’s that?

GARY
…ummm…I think it’s this thingy…

PAUL
You don’t know what it is do you?

GARY
Of course I do, don’t insult me, it’s this thing here like I said.

PAUL
This thing?

GARY
Yeah.

PAUL
The one with the oil picture on? The one which is definitely for topping up the oil?

GARY
…It’s not just for oil, it can also be a lambda sensor…it can’t be this what’s wrong though anyway.

PAUL
Why not?

GARY TAPS THE OIL CAP.

GARY
Because it didn’t echo.

PAUL
You’re an idiot.

PAUL’S WIFE WALKS OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR TO GO SHOPPING.

PAULINE
Alright Gary?

GARY
Alright Paul’s Pauline!

GARY GIGGLES.

PAULINE
And that keeps getting funnier every time you say it Gary.

GARY
I’m here all week. You off out?

PAULINE
Yeah, just out to get a few bits, someone’s got to keep the family going. This plonker trying to rope you into his car as well is he? He’s already had Steve over from across the road this morning.

GARY
Steve? Who the hell is Steve? Why don’t I know Steve, is he your friend?

PAUL
No mate, he is just a neighbour.

GARY
Did you call him first, instead of me?

PAUL
No mate, honestly.

PAULINE
He did Gary, don’t let him try to squirm out of it, he told me that Steve would know more than you as well. Anyway you two lovebirds, I’ll leave you to it, playing mechanics. Oh and if I were you love, I’d remove the ping-pong ball that your son put into the exhaust pipe the other day, that should stop it being broken.

PAUL
Ping pong ball?

PAUL REMOVES THE PING PONG BALL FROM THE EXHAUST AND STARTS THE CAR, NO MORE NOISES.

PAUL
Thanks a lot mate.

GARY
For what?

PAUL
For not telling me about the ping-pong ball.

GARY
It’s not my fault, why didn’t Steve see it if he’s so good?

PAUL
He is just a neighbour!

GARY
Ooo, neighbour friend!

PAUL
Childish mate, very childish.

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