Pet Hates

I plonk myself down on the sofa next to my pet, Steve. It’s a funny name for a pet I’ll admit, but he definitely suits it, with his cute button nose, green eyes and continuously glazed over expression to only list a few of his characteristics; he matches the description of every ‘Steve’ I have ever met. I didn’t give it to him mind, his name that is, he already had it before I knew him, so I couldn’t change it to something a little more ‘cute’ as he wouldn’t respond to it (he isn’t the brightest of sparks bless him). Plus, I don’t think a cute name would be right for him, given the fact that he has just rammed his finger up one of his button-nosed nostrils and is attempting to itch his brain; “humans are disgusting creatures” I think to myself as Steve dislodged a bogie and proceeds to eat it. I am sure he thinks that I don’t see him doing it, but us cats not only have excellent hearing, but our eyesight is also impeccable. Even when the humans think we aren’t looking directly at them, we can still see what they are doing; we see everything…that statement wasn’t supposed to come out quite so creepy. The constant nose picking isn’t the only thing my pet does which annoys me however: he never appreciates all my hard work and efforts to bring him presents (that frog was really hard to catch), the way he keeps picking me up and cuddling me when I am trying to sleep (just let me sleep! Is it too much to ask for 16 hours of sleep a day?), the way he always manages to frighten the birds away just as I am mid-cack (he isn’t very stealthy). I could go on but Steve interrupts me by trying to talk to me in his strange, baby talking ‘oozy boozy’ fashion; he even mocks me by mimicking my meowing. I have absolutely no idea what he is trying to say, especially when he talks like a toddler, but he seems to find it comforting to do, so I just stare at him with contempt until he finishes. I’ve worked out that if I look at him for long enough he will give me a treat and play with my hair, I do love it when he plays with my hair…but sometimes he strokes for too long which also annoys me; humans are needy things. He isn’t a very entertaining pet either, when he is home he is either sleeping or watching the flickering box on the wall with the small humans trapped inside (they seem to be behind some sort of glass wall, I have no idea how they got in there in the first place). But even with all their faults, humans are lovely companions, Steve gives me food and cleans my toilet, he also…oh wait a minute, he has stopped talking and has gone into the food room; this is it, time for a treat, I love these new treats he has got. I don’t show any excitement though, I keep my cool as Steve walks back in with the meat stick treat thing. He sits down and beckons me over. I stand up slowly after a good 10 seconds and stretch, I don’t want him to know just how much I want that thing, I’m trying my hardest to hold back my purrs as I nonchalantly pad over and sit on his lap. Once he gives it to me however, it doesn’t last long, I wolf it down. I better thank him I suppose, so I give Steve a quick meow before making myself comfortable on his lap. I curl into a ball as Steve smooths my hair, I can’t contain it anymore and I begin to purr. I don’t want him thinking that I’m enjoying it too much though so I flex my claws into his leg. He winces and removes my claws, but he still strokes me, I love my pet.

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