What Elfs do on Christmas Day

“Ho Ho Ho! And that’s a wrap for another year my myriad of Elf friends!” Santa announced with his booming voice, which was almost drowned out by the sound of joyful screams from the Elf crowd he was addressing. It was like a scene from a 1970 rock concert, with millions of people turning up to watch that year’s hottest rocker…only the people are Elfs and Santa is the headliner. “Now, without further ado, lets get this mother loving party started! Hit it Alfredo!”, he stated in a kind of embarrassing dad way, who says ‘mother loving’ and ‘hit it’ nowadays. Alfredo, a very stylish looking Elf with a mohawk, piercings and tattoos everywhere puts his headphones on before scratching the vinyl in front of him. This works the crowd into a frenzy, all the female Elfs (the correct term is Elfemales…oh and if you were wondering; the men are called Malelfs) go crazy, screaming at Alfredo,
“I want your Elf babies, Alfredo!” one screams,
“We can play hide the candy cane tonight if you like, Alfredo” another insinuates. Santa blushes at this remark and wanders off stage, he never usually stays for this part anyway, he is always far too tired…and in continuing his embarrassing dad role, he doesn’t like all this loud noise and partying. He just lets his Elfs let off some steam before the work for next years Christmas starts again tomorrow. Its tough work being an elf, so they can have one day off.
Alfredo continues being Alfredo, being the coolest thing in the arena, the room is thumping with the booming base from the unnecessarily large speakers surrounding the stage. The good thing about being an elf is that they have the knowledge to build whatever they want, to build such massive customised stuff from scratch, no one in their right mind would want a speaker as powerful as these in the human world. The bar queue is 10 rows deep already, everyone is trying to get their rounds to start the party off properly. The lucky few who have already got their shots are already downing 5 in a row, one after the other while their friends jeer them on. Elfemales rip off their stereotypical green and red outfits for a more revealing attire which they already had on underneath, they planned ahead. The Malelfs were performing their ritual dances trying to attract a mate, which obviously gets the majority of them nowhere; the dancing thing only works if you are an adonis (as is the case for any species). You could be the best dancer in the world, but unless you look like Alfredo, you aren’t getting any Elf loving tonight. The event quickly turns into chaos once the alcohol starts flowing, another skill which elfs have is that they are master brewers. The alcohol they produce would burn the eyebrows off of a hardened drinker. So once this high percentage liquid hits their bloodstream, all elf integrity flies out the window. Looking around the room you can see the whole range of typical drunks; you have the dancing drunk (who can’t dance), the ‘I will lean in and shout in your ear all night’ drunk, the fighty drunk, the crying drunk…you get the idea, elfs are no different to humans once a supply of alcohol is introduced.
The night continues way on into the morning, Alfredo still pumping out the music, the Elf is a machine! Most of the Elfs are passed out on the floor, some lying in their own vomit, some wrapped up in some other Elfs arms. Some hardy revellers are still going though, unbelievably, they deserve some respect just for still being able to stand, let alone throw some sort of shapes on the dance floor (all be it slow and obtuse shapes). Santa yawns his way into the hall, he spits out some of his coffee when he sees this years aftermath, this one is a bad one, even worse than the infamous Christmas day of 1964…god rest his little elf soul.
“Morning everyone!…how is everyone!…morn…ALFREDO! Do you mind shutting that noise off please?” Alfredo reluctantly switches the music off, he was on fire this year! “Thank you Alfredo, ahh, that’s much better. So did everyone have a lovely party?” Santa asked cheerfully, which was followed by lots of groans and cries of ‘my brain feels like a raison’ (or statements to that effect). “It was that good huh, well, glad you all enjoyed it. Now as you all know, next years Christmas is just around the corner, so we need to start the preparation ASAP”
“Give it a rest beardy, I can’t feel my face” comes a husky shout from the crowd.
“Would everyone stop shouting” comes another weary voice.
“…right, yes, OK, well I will give you all another few hours and then come back. We do need to get started today” Santa states, he gets more groans and coughs in return. Santa turns around and walks back to his room, he whispers to himself “Why didn’t I choose Orks, much more steady predictable creatures”.

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