New Year, New You…Bla Bla Bla

Another year gone and another year begins, turn over a new leaf, start off with a bang, this year I will get fit, my diet starts on the 1st…all the typical new years talk you’ll hear in January. Annoying isn’t it, hearing everyone preach about how this year will be their year, how last year was such a crap year for them and this one will be sooooo much better. I always found these people unbearable to be around, maybe that’s why I find myself alone most of the time (being alone is also pretty integral to my job, so win win). I was just about to continue/go straight into another rant, but my target has started to move. I clasp my surface shut and shove it into my backpack, cutting the hologram short on the news story it was telling me about. I throw some money on the table to cover my coffee and a tip for the waitress, she was nice enough, I don’t even know if its customary to tip here, but I don’t want to look like a scrounge. I follow my target, not close enough to cause alarm, I have always been a master at this, going under the radar. I follow him inside the building he swiftly darts into, I glance at the sign before I enter. It’s in another language as expected, I have no idea what this place is until I walk in. It looks like some sort of strip club, usually I’d be delighted at this prospect, but blue aliens with multiple tentacles doesn’t really do it for me. I take a seat opposite my mark and pretend to take in the views (while avoiding the swinging limbs helicoptering around). He has sat down with an odd looking fella, he has two heads I think…or a serious case of something else. I try and lip read what they are saying to each other, but I get distracted by a woman, not an alien woman either, an earth woman,

“Hi there, happy new year to you fellow earthling! Got any new year’s resolutions? You know, new year new you…” she stated while sitting on the vacant chair next to me. I turn to get a proper look at my fellow earth traveller, and wow! I am in love! Her slightly waved dark brown hair flickering with the air con, deep brown eyes and perfect hour glass figure takes my breath away…and my words it would seem as I stutter out a mumbled nothing sentence,

“ummm…I don’t have resolute… years new, sorry new years resolutions this new year, I don’t partake in the traditions”, I don’t partake in the traditions, I’m not from the 18th century! Idiot!

“OK, well that’s cleared that up” She smiled back at me, I feel women can tell if someone finds them attractive. A sixth sense.

“Do you have any?” I manage to put all the words in accordance with English grammar rules.

“No, I don’t have any, I personally hate all the new year new me bull. Those people are just the worst”

“I think that as well! We think exactly the same! How weird is that…” I cringe, what the hell am I doing?! She clearly works here and has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever, why am I drooling over her so much.

“How weird indeed. So what brings you to a place like this cowboy?”

“I am…just here for the view” I state with a bit more confidence, I have mentally thrown cold water over my face and I can now string a few words together in the right order.

“This sort of thing is your thing, is it?” she stated as they both look up at the multiple tentacled being dancing around a pole in front of them.

“…ummm…sort of…” I wince.

“Right…well at least I know that you aren’t perving on me then” she cheekily stated. She knows I am not into the blue people, not at all. Damn women and their sixth sense.

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far” I am gaining in confidence, so I add a cheeky smile on the end of my sentence.

“Well cowboy, I would love to give you a private dance. What do you say?”

“Oh my god I would love to, but I can’t, I have to keep an eye on…” I pause, where has my target gone? SHIT! I’ve lost him! I look around frantically to no avail, he has left. I grab my coat and turn to run outside, but I am jerked back by my future wife (I wish),

“Where you going cowboy? I’ve got so much to show you” she stated while pulling something out from under her dress…a gun. OK, I wasn’t expecting that, I am officially confused, I don’t know what to do, going back to mumbling nonsense. Halfway through my umms and aahs, my mark appears behind my perfect woman as she aims her gun square between my eyes.

“What are you following me for” my target stated, “who sent you?” he hissed as he reached over and wrenched a fistful of my hair downwards. I don’t give him the pleasure of a response, it wouldn’t have made sense anyway. “Do you know what, I really don’t care, Dante, kill this scum”. Dante, that’s not a name I though my dream woman would have, she winks at me and primes the gun,

“Nice meeting you cowboy, happy new year” BANG!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: